The voices who cannot speak

What about the voices who cannot speak?

I made one of those terrible internet mistakes yesterday by inviting my entire e-mail contact list, most of whom I do not know, to my personal facebook page. That was a pretty bad error since I was just trying to invite our community advisory board to our relatively new “cause” facebook page. We are having a town hall meeting tonight, and I wanted to get the word out there-yet again.

As I am reaping the repercussions of this error, I pondered the people that I know who would never receive this invitation, nor be able to answer, either positively or in the rage that a few people have. These are the people with whom I really interact. They are the orphans of KIWAKKUKI who are hoping that someone will sponsor them for school next year, the parents of the orphans who hope that someone will sponsor their child (one parent has died) for school because they have no income and cannot pay for school and also for food. They are the HIV-positive adults who try desperately to be hired by employers who are themselves struggling and cannot imagine shouldering the cost of medication for their employees that they know are wonderful, but have a regular medication bill that far outweighs what other employees have. They are the smiling faces of the hopeful who have been damaged so greatly. They are the faces of those who simply cannot divulge this secret…this terrible secret inside because to do it would risk everything that they have built, everything that they count on. Affording internet? Doubtful. They can’t even afford to get an internet virus, yet, they got the costliest virus of all, HIV.

I used to think that everyone should come to the place where they were open about their HIV. I used to listen and help people move move towards disclosure. I marveled at my dear friends who had disclosed their status and had made it through that disclosure intact. But, I have also met people who were beaten, thrown out of their house with nothing but the clothes on their backs, torn from their children, and found that their families weren’t quite as loving as they thought. So- what do you do? As a teen, do you listen to the horrible things that other teens say about people living with HIV? And then disclose that you too are HIV-infected? As a mother, do you disclose your status and then find that the school and other children and their parents have found out and are treating your child badly? As a professional, do you walk around with that silence all around you? I don’t know. Sometimes, I feel I don’t know much anymore.

As my friend Jacquie says, “One day we will look back on this disease and say-boy was that a hard time, I’m so glad it is over.” I hope it happens in my life-time.